Until We Meet Again

To my dear readers, listeners, and friends,

I really never thought I’d write this letter, or that when I shared this news, it’d be under very different circumstances. But people change, and time flows endlessly in new directions. Here is the TL;DR:

I am leaving IrrationalPassions.com. I am stepping down from shows, podcasts, and writing, and I am leaving the video games industry as a whole. This is not a bad blood situation, this is a choice I have reflected on and made on my own. The website will continue to exist, and the capacity to which it will continue to operate is in good hands.

I wanted to take this final letter and reflect a bit, to explain why I made this choice, and where I’m at on a personal level. In my mind, it’s a drop in the bucket, who cares right? But after talking with some people I do realize that, even in some small way, I have likely had an influence on some of you and I want to say and give a proper goodbye. Did I ever think I would make this choice? No, but a lot has changed, particularly myself, and especially in the last 6-12 months. 

First of all, I want to firmly say I am doing fine. I am healthy, the healthiest I have ever been actually, and I have never enjoyed life as much as I am now. If you follow me on social media, which you can anywhere at @AuriMeansWind, you know that discovering I am a trans woman and transitioning has been a massive part of my life. It’s been a joy too, and I have never felt this good about my identity, my future self, and my personal happiness ever. I can say with confidence, my mental health is better right now than it ever has been before. I am a new woman (literally). 

Through that, I have learned and grown a lot, and my relationship with video games has changed as well. Honestly, I am a lot less interested in them at the moment. Part of that may be it being an off year, part of it may be me in my 30s, part may be my transitioning, and part may be the absolute dogshit year the games industry has had in regards to taking care of its people. Another part of it is my dear friend Brian Jackson passing this past February, and him being my go-to person to talk and be passionate about games with. All of it together has led to me just… not really care anymore. I’ve felt very lost when it comes to games for a while now. I don’t listen to gaming podcasts, I feel checked out on the podcasts I am a part of, and I could not give any less of a shit about video game “discourse” anymore. 

Things like genocide in the world, rampant transphobia across the United States and wider world too, and so much more occupies my brain and keeps me from engaging with gaming as a medium and a hobby in the capacity that I was before. That, and I just haven’t been enjoying them as much. I can’t put a firm hand on the empty feeling I get with them a lot now, but it’s been a pretty big bummer for me. 

This isn’t at all to dismiss the people within the gaming space, or those staying here at IP, this is just the internal conflict I am going through right now. Some members of the gaming space are doing a ton of amazing activism within it for Palestine and for Trans Rights, but the dissonance of it all has completely disengaged me from the industry. I have changed. And I am not the person passionate about writing about games, about being an editor, or about being a host in this space anymore. 

To be fully honest, I’ve been pretty checked out since I burned out in 2020. Obviously Irrational Passions hasn’t taken as many shots, done as much production, or made as many exciting moves, and I can’t help but blame myself for just being an obstacle in the way of the people that did want to expand and try new things, but as the decision maker I just held things back and prevented those opportunities from happening. I’ve decided to listen to what my heart has been telling me for years, and officially step down and walk away because it’s simply what I need to do right now. It is definitely a choice that makes me very sad, but it is one I am certain I need to make.

Does this mean I won’t ever write or podcast about video games again? Or find some place in gaming that fits who I am now? No, probably not. That being said, I currently have zero plans to do any of that, and that’s kind of exciting. I’ve been doing this since I was 17, and I’m 31 now. I haven’t ever really had a time as myself, both as an adult and as Auri, to just be a fan and enjoy video games. I’m really excited to be able to do that. Hell, I might even listen to a podcast to find out what the hell is going on in a way I haven’t since high school. 

Does it mean I’ll never go to a PAX or a Summer Games Fest? Maybe, and even though it was always my dream to sit on the GiantBomb couch with my friends and colleagues, seeing some Irrational Passions alum make it there has filled me with a pride that I cannot describe to you. 

To know or at least even believe that I have had a positive influence on anyone within the video games space, or that something I have written has been something someone out there has loved, makes me radiantly proud. I loved what I did when I was doing it, loved finding new and diverse voices in video games and helping bring them to the forefront. I wish I could have done more of that in particular. But for a kid from Maryland who had absolutely no fucking idea what she was doing from the jump, and figured it out as she went thanks to amazing friends and even better colleagues, I think I did all right. I mean, 14 years is nothing to scoff at. 

Before I go, I want to take some time to thank the people that deserve to be thanked, and as far as I have ever been concerned, the real stars of the show:

First, and maybe the biggest thank you, to Scott Guthier and Evan Wall. Three friends from middle and high school go on to start a podcast and it is the best decision I ever made. I am infinitely grateful.

Tony Horvath and Joseph Fait, who took a risk and joined in the show and helped drive it and me forward. Most importantly they just showed up every week to have a good time and talk about video games, and they were damn fun to do that with.

Kam, Jacob, Quin, Brendan, Aneudys, Zack, Niall, Billy, Youssef, Logan, JC, and Jess, for their many contributions to the site, their individual and unique voices, and for believing in me. 

Jarrett Green is one of the best humans I know, someone I consider a close friend, and honestly, family. He is out there killing it every week, and I am so proud to just know him, to be able to read his words before everyone else on occasion, and bask in his hilarious and pointed prose. 

Mike Burgess is the hardest working motherfucker I have ever met. He is an incredible friend, an amazing video editor, one of the most fun people to talk to, and someone I will continue to annoy to play Destiny with me until the day I die.

Scott White is one of the warmest and most amazing people I have ever had the honor to know. He is kind, gentle, funny, and a staunch ally. Watching him become the amazing dad I always knew he would be has been a special treat. I’ll always make time to talk about Trails with you Scott, don’t ever doubt that.

Jurge Cruz is a treasured friend, and was there for me through some really difficult times this year. He is a hard worker and an even better human, and continues to inspire me just as a human being, as a person in video games, and as a dear friend. I am so incredibly proud of you Jurge.

Brian. What more could I say? You were the best of us. I can’t thank you enough. I will treasure your friendship forever. I miss you so much. I hope I made you proud.

Some other folks I wanted to thank, outside of the ragtag group of incredible people who have passed through this site:

Greg Miller, thank you for believing in me. For being a friend, a confidant at times, and just one of the warmest and most supportive people I have ever known. They say never meet your heroes, I’m glad I have one that’s actually pretty fucking cool.

Thank you Ryan Davis. I can’t believe it’s been 11 years since you passed, but you were the first person in the video game industry I met at PAX East 2012, and you mentioning me on the Giant Bombcast will never not spark joy in my heart forever.

Roger Pokorny is one of my best friends and one of the best people I have ever known. Thank you for being the first person I told I was stepping down, and for being kind and listening even though it was so hard for me to talk about. You’ve been with me for so much of this, and I can’t tell you how inspiring you always have been. You’re a star, and I’m so proud.

There are more people and they deserve a better thank you, but I still hope to get out there and give some hugs in person. My mom, my real life friends, everyone who supported me on this journey, it feels so strange to walk away, but sometimes the strangest things make the most sense. 

It’s crazy to think that my first ever thing I wrote here was 14 years ago, a Blacklight Tango Down review that was not very good to be honest, you can’t even read it anymore. I was just a dumbass 17 year old boy. Now I am a markedly smarter 31 year old woman. I wouldn’t change any day here for the world. I’ve had some incredible memories, like every PAX, every PSX, every Extralife, including one where Greg Miller, his wonderful wife Gen, and their dog, flew across the country to hangout at my house for a weekend. Some favorite moments here below:

I’ve met incredible people through writing, social media, and even just playing games, and proved to myself and the wider world that true, precious friendships can be made in an online space, and become some of the realest you have in your life. Video games are more than just a distraction, they’re a gift, worked on by sometimes one, and sometimes thousands of people that pour years of their lives, their hearts, and their souls into these beautiful miracleworks that make magic real, fantasy tangible, and dreams a reality. I love them, and will keep them in my life forever, of that I am certain.

____

And here we are. This isn’t goodbye, of course not. It’s just an “until we meet again” type-deal. I’ll be around. You can follow me @AuriMeansWind, it’s certainly true that I’ll have a lot more shit-posting time on my hands. Thank you for reading, and listening. Every piece, every word, every dumb little tangent and four hour show. Thank you. As I’ve always said, with a bit of a twist, play your games, stay passionate, follow your heart, be kind, and I’ll talk to you again… next time. <3

Yours forever grateful, 

it has been my honor,

Auri O’Neill